Jennifer Grassman

Recording Artist + Author + Mommy



I Dearly Miss the Smell of Books

I dearly miss the smell of books, the crunch of a sewn binding, and the feel of holding a whole world in my hands. There is a kind of ownership in holding a book which digital technology cannot duplicate. Continue reading “I Dearly Miss the Smell of Books”


50 Shades Of Grey, The Sequel

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The book already has two sequels; 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed. But as a writer, I feel a compulsive need to offer some creative suggestions for the second film should they decide to stray from the book plot. Or heck, maybe E. L. James will write a fourth book, and she can incorporate some of my ideas in that!

50 Shades of Gay
After seeing a therapist to confront his abusive nature, Christian Grey realizes that the reason he enjoys roughing up women is because he actually doesn’t like women … at all …

60 Shades of Grey
Now in their 60’s, Ana and Christian are senior citizens. They decide to start a new business venture in hair products, and launch a trendy line of dyes ranging in hue from Barely Grey to Not Quite Black.

50 Shades of White … & Wong
After Christian Grey tragically dies whilst choking on a feather boa, Ana finds herself alone and vulnerable. By the second chapter, she’s trapped in a love triangle with business executives and jettsetters, Mr. White and Mr. Wong. It’s a classic tale of the battle between good and evil, light and darkness, White and Wong. Who will she choose? … or will she?

50 Shades of Grey Matter
Ana gets tired of putting up with Christian’s abuse, and brains him with a marble paperweight that looks a lot like James Earl Jones’ head. Stumped as to what to do with the body, Ana roasts Christian’s remains and eats him alongside some fava beans and a nice Chianti. She then uses his bones to construct a unique DIY coffee table and posts photos on Pinterest.

50 Shades of Green
Christian is befuddled as to why Ana continues to take his abuse, until he wakes up from a drug induced coma in an alien spaceship surrounded by small green men in white lab coats. One of the aliens, a research scientist named Paco, reveals that he played the part of Ana in Christian’s unconscious delusion of having a life. After abducting Christian, Paco and his team were conducting research, hoping to discover the extent of mankind’s capacity for narcissism. They found it to be … unfathomable.

Cat in Glasses 500

50 Shades of Morally Non Grey Area

Happy Valentine’s Day!!! 50 Shades of Grey is out!!!

(That was said with seething sarcasm.)

Many people have been very vocal about the morality of a movie that glorifies an abusive relationship, so I’m not even going to bother rehashing that. Instead, I’m going to address the typical response to dissenters:


Seriously? Since when did consent make everything OK? If someone told you it’s OK to run them over with a car, would you do it? No. Because that would be bad. You would be a criminal. Even if they asked you in writing.

Most abuse victims consent. Sometimes they love their abuser and are desperate to make them happy. Sometimes they’re afraid to say no. Sometimes they are so used to being abused that they think abuse is normal and they honestly don’t realize anything bad is happening to them.

The Eurythmics understood this:

“Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.”

Nevertheless, abusers are losers, whether their victims consent or not.

The other asinine argument many people like to tout is:


Here’s a short screenplay demonstrating why this argument is logically fallacious:

Loyd: Will eating rocks make you sick?
Jane: Yes.
Loyd: Have you ever eaten rocks?
Jane: No.
Loyd: Then how do you know it will make you sick?

Loyd is an idiot. Don’t be Loyd.

It is entirely possible to know something without personally experiencing it. For example, you know that the moon is made out of rock, even though you’ve probably never been to the moon. Just so, a person can know that 50 Shades of Grey is morally objectionable without reading or watching it. There’s really nothing morally grey about it. In fact, this issue is really pretty black and white.

Help Me Write A Book! {Consider it an Inspiration Donation}

The Official Help Wanted Poster

I am writing a rather unusual book. It’s a collection of short stories written from the perspective of inanimate objects. I’ve already got a handful written … One is a tree, another an old house, another a shadow …

Here’s where you come in:

Think up an object and suggest it in the comments below or on my Facebook page. It could be anything … some kind of antique, a musical instrument, a place where something interesting has happened … Assuming I’m feeling creatively up to your challenge, I’ll write a short 2 – 10 page story or poem from the perspective of the object you suggest.

Now, look around you! What do you see? While your out and about, or home in your spare time, think of all the voiceless things in your environment that might have a story to tell.

Post your suggestions below, on Facebook, or on Twitter to @JGrassman.



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