Guess who woke up at 4:00 AM bright eyed and bushy tailed? My one month old baby daughter, that’s who. Now, usually she wakes up to nurse at 12 AM, 3 AM, and 5 AM. This morning however, she awoke with big blue curious owl eyes, and refused to settle down again. I’m pretty sure if she could talk we’d have had a serious heart-to-heart. Something was definitely on the Little Birdie’s mind.

Have you ever been so tired you feel like you have a hangover?

Or bad allergies?

Or like someone just pulverized your brain in a giant lemon press before sprinkling Himalayan sea-salt and a shot of tequila on it?

Yeah. You know what I mean.

Baby and I were just falling back asleep when my hubby’s alarm went off at 5:30. Oh well. She needed a diaper change anyway. It’s amazing how frequently newborns poop. I need to buy stock in Pampers.

Anyhow, after the hubby left for work, the weirdest thing happened. My electric toothbrush’s alarm went off.

Yeah, you read that right. My toothbrush has an alarm. An alarm.

Seriously, who at Oral-B came up with the brilliant idea of giving an electric toothbrush an alarm? Just, WHY?!

I don’t care if it’s not charged, or not charging correctly, or the battery is dying and needs replacing. Let it DIE. Let me RIP! I’d much rather brush my teeth with a regular old-fashioned non-electric toothbrush than have that modern contraption beep me awake after a hard night of inadequate sleep, baby poopsplosions, and listening to other people who are not me snore peacefully and dream of things other than changing diapers.

… Right now I’m imagining a meeting of the marketing team at Oral-B …

“Come on team!” says the silver-haired Boss who hasn’t had young children in 30 years and only needs three hours of sleep per night because he’s one of THOSE people. “How can we make this new toothbrush model exciting? Revolutionary? DIFFERENT?”

“I’VE GOT IT!” says the 20-something Engagement Director Of Millennial Hygiene, who doesn’t have any kids and can still stay up past the witching hours without feeling like someone squashed his brain with a lemon press and wears skinny ties and slacks that are too short so he can showcase his annoyingly colorful socks which are way more busy than he ever is. “We’ll put an ALARM on the toothbrush, so it sounds like a garbage truck is backing up in your bathroom every time the battery runs low, or the battery starts dying, or for whatever reason the battery refuses to charge!”

“Brilliant!” gasps the Boss’ Hot Secretary who has obviously never been pregnant and spends more money on her nails than the mother of a newborn does on diapers and butt-paste.

“BRILLIANT!” exclaims the Silver Haired Boss. “Call Joe over in Electronic Oral Product Development. He just got back from paternity leave and is way too sleep deprived to question the wisdom of any of our inconsiderate choices.”

… Back to the world of slumber-scant reality …

So yeah. Starting at 6:30 AM, the toothbrush alarm went off every 15 minutes.

Every. Fifteen. Minutes.

And every time it went off, I woke up, the baby woke up, and after the third time I began to suspect that some malevolent higher power had gotten morosely bored, flitted out of whatever dark corner of the globe he’d previously been preoccupied with exacerbating, and decided to pick on me for a change.

Finally, I got up, grabbed the beeping toothbrush, and chucked it into a pile of laundry in my husband’s closet.

There it remains.

And I’m brewing coffee.

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