Jennifer Grassman

Recording Artist + Author + Mommy


February 2015

Four Houston Women Travel To Romania To Care For Orphans & Special Needs Children

This March, four women from Spring Cypress Presbyterian Church – Jana Muntsinger, Barbara Honts, Beth Moore, and Jill Johnson – will be traveling on a short term missions trip to serve orphans and special needs children in Romania. Mrs. Muntsinger, wife of Pastor Dave Muntsinger, will be coordinating with the Romanian government to establish more Gospel-driven special needs and adoption centers throughout the country. The Government wants RCE (Romanian Christian Enterprise) replicated in every aspect – including its Christian ministry – because they view RCE’s work as extraordinary.

Please share this link on your Facebook, and consider donating toward this wonderful cause:

Click to Donate!

READ MORE about Spring Cypress Church

READ MORE about Romanian Christian Enterprise


Hodgepodge Soup: The Perfect Recipe for Cold Wet Winter Weather

If you’re like me you hate going out in cold damp weather, you’re low on groceries, and your fridge and pantry are filled with miscellaneous odds and ends. You have spaghetti sauce but no pasta; a head of cabbage that you bought accidentally thinking it was lettuce; canned beans but no hamburger to make chili; a sprig of parsley you’re not sure what to do with; one sad and lonely jalapeno; a forgotten bag of onions that seem to be sprouting stalks; and 5 potatoes too small to bake or take seriously.

Hodgepodge Soup is souper easy. See what I did there? It’s perfect for days like this when it’s cold and wet and you really don’t feel like going to the store. It’s also great for cleaning out your fridge. As long as you have some kind of stock or broth (or means of making your own, such as a whole chicken, ham bone, or spaghetti sauce) you can make this. Continue reading “Hodgepodge Soup: The Perfect Recipe for Cold Wet Winter Weather”

50 Shades Of Grey, The Sequel

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The book already has two sequels; 50 Shades Darker and 50 Shades Freed. But as a writer, I feel a compulsive need to offer some creative suggestions for the second film should they decide to stray from the book plot. Or heck, maybe E. L. James will write a fourth book, and she can incorporate some of my ideas in that!

50 Shades of Gay
After seeing a therapist to confront his abusive nature, Christian Grey realizes that the reason he enjoys roughing up women is because he actually doesn’t like women … at all …

60 Shades of Grey
Now in their 60’s, Ana and Christian are senior citizens. They decide to start a new business venture in hair products, and launch a trendy line of dyes ranging in hue from Barely Grey to Not Quite Black.

50 Shades of White … & Wong
After Christian Grey tragically dies whilst choking on a feather boa, Ana finds herself alone and vulnerable. By the second chapter, she’s trapped in a love triangle with business executives and jettsetters, Mr. White and Mr. Wong. It’s a classic tale of the battle between good and evil, light and darkness, White and Wong. Who will she choose? … or will she?

50 Shades of Grey Matter
Ana gets tired of putting up with Christian’s abuse, and brains him with a marble paperweight that looks a lot like James Earl Jones’ head. Stumped as to what to do with the body, Ana roasts Christian’s remains and eats him alongside some fava beans and a nice Chianti. She then uses his bones to construct a unique DIY coffee table and posts photos on Pinterest.

50 Shades of Green
Christian is befuddled as to why Ana continues to take his abuse, until he wakes up from a drug induced coma in an alien spaceship surrounded by small green men in white lab coats. One of the aliens, a research scientist named Paco, reveals that he played the part of Ana in Christian’s unconscious delusion of having a life. After abducting Christian, Paco and his team were conducting research, hoping to discover the extent of mankind’s capacity for narcissism. They found it to be … unfathomable.

Cat in Glasses 500

50 Shades of Morally Non Grey Area

Happy Valentine’s Day!!! 50 Shades of Grey is out!!!

(That was said with seething sarcasm.)

Many people have been very vocal about the morality of a movie that glorifies an abusive relationship, so I’m not even going to bother rehashing that. Instead, I’m going to address the typical response to dissenters:


Seriously? Since when did consent make everything OK? If someone told you it’s OK to run them over with a car, would you do it? No. Because that would be bad. You would be a criminal. Even if they asked you in writing.

Most abuse victims consent. Sometimes they love their abuser and are desperate to make them happy. Sometimes they’re afraid to say no. Sometimes they are so used to being abused that they think abuse is normal and they honestly don’t realize anything bad is happening to them.

The Eurythmics understood this:

“Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.”

Nevertheless, abusers are losers, whether their victims consent or not.

The other asinine argument many people like to tout is:


Here’s a short screenplay demonstrating why this argument is logically fallacious:

Loyd: Will eating rocks make you sick?
Jane: Yes.
Loyd: Have you ever eaten rocks?
Jane: No.
Loyd: Then how do you know it will make you sick?

Loyd is an idiot. Don’t be Loyd.

It is entirely possible to know something without personally experiencing it. For example, you know that the moon is made out of rock, even though you’ve probably never been to the moon. Just so, a person can know that 50 Shades of Grey is morally objectionable without reading or watching it. There’s really nothing morally grey about it. In fact, this issue is really pretty black and white.

Valentine’s Gift Ideas for Texas Chicks Like Me

OK, so some of these ideas are more feasible than others, but here ya go! Tell me this isn’t the most brilliant wish list EVER!

A Pink Gun.

This Wine Holder. And Wine. Obviously.

A Nap.

A Maid. Is it Me or Does She Kinda Look Like a Super Hero?

This Patio.

A Kitty from a Local Animal Rescue Shelter. (Photo via MCAS)

This Bed Suspended From Trees in an Enchanted Forest.

A Stay at Messina Hof Winery‘s B&B.

Chocolate. Duh.

Orchids. They’re Like The New Roses. Get ‘Em In A Pot.

A Camera & Photography Classes.

A Shopping Spree for a New Wardrobe. (Pic via Modcloth)

A Manicure & Pedicure.

This is Why I Don’t Diet

There are so many fad diets going around right now. Note that I say “going around,” as if diets are a strain of the flu. That’s because I believe that diets are a sort of communicable insanity. Here’s how they’re transmitted:

A friend tells you about the evils of gluten or dairy or soy and how it’s burning holes in your “gut” like molten lava mixed with napalm, and before you know it, you’re gnawing on faux bread made of recycled, organic, free range, cardboard boxes.

Some of the smartest women I know are eating Neanderthal food. How ironic is that? Sure, nuts, berries, and iguana-kababs kept those hideous, hunched over, hairy people alive 40,000 years ago, but did you ever stop to consider why they died out? Or maybe, that they didn’t have any other choice in regard to food selection?

HEB CroogsCan you imagine the expression on a cave man’s face if they walked into an HEB or Kroger?

Other dear friends have endured fasts, cleanses, and detoxes. They swear that once their deprivation is over, they feel so incredibly good. “Well, yeah,” think I, “Your body went into starvation mode and then you finally fed it real food.” The elation they feel upon ingesting nutrients is probably not unlike that of a freshman tasting their first margarita.

Please don’t be sad. Or mad. I love you all! (Well, some of you). And, I am a proponent of eating healthy. I could totally imagine being a vegetarian if meat didn’t taste so good and I liked beans a lot more. But I don’t think starving oneself sounds very fun or wise. I also feel that reverting to the diet of our naked, stinking, flea-ridden ancestors is questionable wisdom. I mean … they went extinct for a reason, right?

It used to be that if people had allergies they just didn’t eat whatever they were allergic too. Nowadays, if someone thinks anything makes them gassy, sleepy, heachachy, water-retainy, sweaty, or whatevery, they go all fancy-pants-diety on us and can’t eat from at least two of the five basic food groups.

Now, now, now; before you get uppety and are all like, “Jennifer, you’re squishing on my persnicketies and not offering real world alternatives,” hear me out. Here’s how I recommend we all eat healthy:

  1. Eat whatever real food you want, but in moderation.
  2. Don’t eat anything you can’t pronounce the ingredients of. Apocarotenal? Um, no.
  3. Don’t eat anything if the ingredients sound like they might explode. Pyrophosphate? How ’bout not.
  4. Enjoy variety. Never eat the same dinner in one week.
  5. Eat lots of colors. The more colorful your food the more diverse the nutrients in it are likely to be … and it’s usually a lot tastier too. Red meat. White meat. Purple cabbage. Red tomatoes. Orange oranges. Pink peaches. Green broccoli. Yellow bananas. You get the idea.
  6. If you want to lose weight, eat smaller portions. And exercise. Exercise is good.
  7. Gluten is fine, as long as you’re not allergic to it.
  8. Dairy is fine, as long as you’re not allergic to it.
  9. Chocolate is awesome, as long as you’re not allergic to it.
  10. In fact, just don’t eat anything you’re allergic to. That’s a good idea.
  11. GMOs are fine, especially if you cook them to kill all the science. Heck, you can even eat a cloned space alien as long as its core temperature has reached 165°.
  12. Don’t eat dirt. Don’t eat anything that tastes like dirt either. Dirt is bad.
  13. Don’t eat too many carrots. People claim carrots are healthy, but if you’ve ever fed carrots to a baby, you know that they look about the same coming out as they did going in. Ew. Just ew.
  14. That goes for corn too. And peanuts. Eat in moderation. Because, wow.

Diets are temporary. Cleanses, detoxes, and all these fad things invented by people with last names like “Jupiter” and “Avocado” are here today and gone tomorrow.

Like phrenology. That used to be a thing.

Eat real food. Eat enough food. Don’t overeat. Exercise. Drink tons of water. And BOOM. You’ll be living a healthy lifestyle. Once you have established a healthy lifestyle, you won’t just be improving your health exclusively during the ____ day period you diet / cleanse / detox / fast / whatever. Instead, you’ll continually feel better and have plenty of energy.

Obviously, if you have certain health concerns you’ll want to follow your doc’s instructions and consume less sodium, sugar, fats, or ______. But generally speaking, E A T F O O O O D.

Food good.

Starving bad.

Even Neanderthals knew that.

In A Great Victory for Womankind, Sports Illustrated Now Hypersexuallizes Plus Size Women Too

In a great victory for womankind or feminism or whatever, Sports Illustrated is featuring – for the first time ever – a plus size model. Her name is Ashley Graham, and yes, she’s absolutely gorgeous. No argument there. Most people seem super proud that a woman whose shoulder blades don’t protrude out of her back is finally the object of lust for millions of drooling men across the globe. Nevertheless, I have mixed emotions. In fact, this just feels like sexism regurgitated into an hourglass figure to me.

The edition is titled, “Swimsuits for All.” It ought to be titled, “Ogling Men for All,” but that doesn’t sound nearly so progressive, now does it?

Jezebel writer Mark Shrayber says, “This month, Sports Illustrated will release their annual swimsuit issue, delighting dads across the world …”

Dads …? DADS? Huh. Maybe he’s right. Dads are, after all, at the root of the problem. Maybe if little girls didn’t think their dads valued sexuality over personality, we’d have a lot more confident, ambitious, and independent women around here.

Seriously dads, get your act together.

Mark continues, “This year, the magazine’s making a historical change, however. It’s featuring plus-size model Ashley Graham in a string bikini on pages usually reserved for women with much smaller bodies.”

Historical? Really? I’m pretty sure the Greeks did it way before Sports Illustrated. Hot plus sized women are not a recent invention you know. In fact, they even predate the light bulb! SMH.

Don’t get me wrong. Equality is great and all when it involves something actually valuable, like the right to vote, get a job, own a home, etcetera. Being lusted after by millions of men with the IQ of Shallow Hal, however, should hardly be considered a badge of honor, let alone a milestone in women’s history.

“Plus size” women shouldn’t envy the spotlight given to anorexic models in the first place. Is being objectified by men who view you – not as an intellectual – but as a collectable, really all that great? Think about it. Would you rather have a few people truly love you for your talents, or a million people ogle your bum?

Also, on a totally random side note, did anyone notice how tiny the male model is? I mean … is he a jockey or something? If so, where’s his horse? And why is he levitating? Either she’s 12 feet tall, or he’s a flying hobbit. I can’t tell which.

Tiny Ogling Men For ALL! YAY! Let freedom ring! {sarcasm}

Anywho … If I had the choice between being Harper Lee or Marilyn Monroe, I’d pick Harper every time. I’d just rather be appreciated for my brains than my boobs, and my talents than my figure. But for some reason (and I think I have a pretty good idea why) that’s not the norm. I’m looking at you, dads.

Many women prefer to be summed up based on how they look, what they wear, and what they weigh. Or do they? Is that truly a heartfelt desire, or a taught-and-learned behavioral pattern? Perhaps when more women begin to feel proud of their intelligence, ideas, and unique talents, womankind will actually enjoy true equality and pride. Perhaps when dads start loving moms, and showing their daughters by example what admiring and empowering a woman really looks like, sexism will finally cease to be PC.

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