Seven things to never, EVER say to a pregnant woman:

“Sleep now! You won’t be able to once the baby is here!”

OK, you try sleeping with a watermelon sized tummy, an aching body, and a baby kicking you in the bladder, ribs, and lungs every night between midnight and 5AM. It doesn’t happen! In fact, it’s much easier to sleep after the baby is born, because you can nurse them and nap on their schedule. That third trimester is insomnia hell.

“Are you sure you’re not having twins?”

With modern ultrasounds and technology, doctors can say with absolutely certainty how many babies are in there. Suggesting that my doctor is inept and/or that I look larger than I should is neither comforting nor flattering.

“The baby will come when they’re good and ready.”

This is just dumb. The baby has no idea what the heck is going on. Have you ever seen a just-born newborn? They blink and squint and look extremely disgruntled, because they had no idea there was such a big, bright, loud, cold world outside, let alone that they were suddenly going to be ejected into it all tiny and naked and wet. Being born is no picnic y’all, and that baby is NOT calling the shots.

“TMI!”

When I confide about how much my hips hurt or how frustrating it is that coffee smells like hotdogs, you need to sympathize. Likewise, when I post photos of my pregnant figure on Facebook, don’t poke fun or chastise me like some Victorian prude who thinks pregnant women should be hidden away. People like you are what the block function is for!

“Let me tell you my pregnancy / delivery horror story …”

This is something very stupid and mean that other moms like to say to first timers. Now moms, I know what you went through was traumatic, and makes shockingly sensational conversation fodder, but when a woman – especially one who has never been pregnant before – is trying to mentally and emotionally prepare herself for having her hips dislocated and her body rent asunder, she just doesn’t need to hear about all the things that could go terribly wrong.

“Don’t eat [fill in the blank]”

Seriously? My doctor gave me a list – a LIST – of all the things I’m not supposed to eat or drink. Mostly it’s my favorites, like sushi, wine, and fancy cheese. Anyone who even tries to add whole milk, tomatoes, deli meat, rice, salt, gluten, soda, or soy to that list, is going to DIE. I have enough to worry about without you warning me that Subway will kill my baby, or that bean sprouts could have cat poop on them.

“You’re going to be a Mommy!” (future tense)

I AM a Mommy. I may not change diapers, rock them to sleep, or wake up to feed them at 3AM yet, but I take extra good care of my body (their incubator), wake up 10 times a night to pee, waddle awkwardly when I walk, crave things I’m not supposed to eat, ache almost constantly, and am moodier than a hungry bear. You better bet that when Mother’s Day rolls around, I expect my flowers and card just like all the other Mommies. Don’t test me.

Advertisements